I snapped!

I like to think of myself as a pretty rational person who gets along with everyone. I have the physical barrier of being fat that I have to help people overcome before they realize I am a fun, likable person. However, being fat has always been my nemesis and is something I am not proud of. I have battled my weight since early childhood when kids in school were so willing to bully me, exclude me, and call me names. Mostly I have been able to set my insecurities aside, roll with the punches, make friends, and find diversionary activities which helped me develop my self esteem and sense of self worth. I found talents through my weaknesses that helped me develop the successful person that I am today. By no means am I at my goal weight, I will forever be working hard to get there, but I can say I like the person I am despite the fact I don't like my size. That being said, why is it so easy for me to snap mentally when someone call's me a fat "b--ch"?!
This weekend I was not feeling well. A head and chest cold accompanied by nausea plagued me during this beautiful sunny weekend. Despite feeling sick, I decided it would be all right if we spent the afternoon having a late lunch with my mother-in-law. Lunch went fine until the end when my mother-in-law got upset over some words exchanged between her and my husband. She wanted to find her own ride home. I tried to smooth over the situation and convince her to ride home with us, but before I knew it, she was attacking me personally and calling me derogatory names. I allowed myself to stoop to her level by getting upset over her words and said hurtful things in return. I then proceeded to walk away with my baby in my arms when she shot an arrow through my heart by calling me a fat "b--ch." I came unglued and charged at her, almost punching her. I lost my cool and threw a plastic cup at her, never meaning to hurt her, only to scare her. This 20 ounce empty plastic cup left a one inch gash on the top of her head. I feel like a complete idiot! I let her get to me, lost my temper, and am now paying the price for this split second decision to throw a cup at her. I lost any dignity I had when I did this. My dignity would have been kept intact had I just continued to walk away while she yelled at me, making her look like the idiot.
One thing said....... I have learned my lesson. She brings out the worst in me and I plan to stay away from her for as long as I live. She has serious psychological issues and will never find happiness until she starts liking herself and stops blaming others. I have just dealt with 15 years of verbal abuse from her and FINALLY have had enough. I snapped!

Cake Creation: First time with fondant

So, I was supposed to start the 3rd Wilton class a week ago Saturday, but due to lack of  sleep,  didn't make it.  I did however show up at Robert's for class yesterday morning only to find out that no one showed up at all last week so the teacher postponed the class for a date to be decided upon.  So, I decided to give working with fondant a try on my own since I already had a cake baked and frosted with butter cream icing. The above cake is what I created.  It is a white cake with apricot filling and glaze surrounding the whole cake.  The then frosted it with butter cream followed by store bought fondant.  It's not too bad for my first attempt, however, I need to learn how to make the edges look seamless and how to deal with cracked fondant.  The ribbon of fondant that goes completely around the cake was put there to cover some of the seams,  The "scrolls" on each corner were there to help mask imperfections as well.  All in all, using fondant was kind of like working with sugar cookie dough.  Adding color was kind of fun too but I can see how it could stain your hands...... fortunately I had some latex gloves hanging around my house.  I haven't eaten much fondant icing and I've had quite a few people tell me how terrible it tastes, however, the little bit I tried wasn't as terrible as everyone said.  It tastes quite a bit like marshmallow.  Anyway, this cake is going to my parents' house for dinner tonight so the whole family can try it.  Later this week I am going to attempt to work with fondant again and take a cake to work.  I can use all the practice I can get.

Time Flies!

On May 24th Ashton will be 6 months old!  I can't believe 6 months have passed since his birth.  Pregnancy seemed to last forever but since Ashton is here and I am helping him experience the "outside" world, I can't believe half a year is over.  Ashton was born 2 days before Thanksgiving, a Thanksgiving I will never forget.  This little man came into my life and my life has been joyful ever since.  I love being a mom, it has been more than I ever expected.  Of course, there was a time when I gave up expecting to be a mom. That was a difficult time in my life.  So much of my energy was spent being sad even though I put on a good face.  I tried my best to not let my sadness affect the joy other people had with the birth of their own children.  I did find a way to cope with the sadness, it involved babysitting and spending time with my amazing niece and nephews.  I have always loved taking them places, playing with them, and buying them things.  It is hard to believe that they are so grown up now.  Cole is 18 and graduating from high school, Charlie is 14 and finishing 8th grade, and Sydney just turned 12 and will start 7th grade in the fall.  I am so proud of the 3 of them.  They are amazing kids and I love spending time with them as teens, but I miss them needing me or enjoying my silliness.  If I say something somewhat silly (which used to be funny to them,) they are totally embarrassed.  Embarrassing them does have its charms, but I miss the genuine laughter over something I said that was funny or how they seemed to look up to me.  Taking a strong interest and playing a role in their lives helped me to cope better with my infertility problem.  I love them so much and am so glad they are a part of my little Ashton's life.  He has 3 wonderful cousins who love him and I know they will be good examples so he has someone to look up to.

Cole Christensen, age 18.  He is going to go to Westminster College on a ROTC scholarship.  He is a talented lacrosse player, excellent student, and motivated kid.

Charlie Christensen, age 14.  Charlie is a self taught musician, excellent student, amateur wood worker, and thoughtful kid.  He is very witty, reads a lot of books, and plays lacrosse.

Sydney Christensen, age 12.  She just turned 12 but acts and seems older.  She plays lacrosse, loves to hang out with friends, and loves to make jewelry and decorate cakes.  She and I have been taking cake decorating classes together.  It is something we enjoy doing together.

I can't believe how little Ashton was when he was born.  He has gotten so big, is so interactive, and is such a happy baby.  I am making an effort to enjoy every little moment of his life.  I want him to know how much I wanted him in my life, how much I love him, and how I will keep trying to be a better person every day because of him.

To get a walker or not

I have recently been thinking about getting Ashton a walker. I know there is a lot of controversy over walkers and safety: babies falling down stairs, getting burned, pulling stuff off the table on to themselves, etc. even while parents are supervising. However, I like the idea of Ashton been able to sit upright and push himself around the kitchen floor, I think he may find it fun. There is no way he is falling down the stairs, we live in a ranch style house and I have the family room blocked off from the stairs. I promise not to cook while he is in his walker, and I don't have a table cloth on my kitchen table for him to pull on. My mom said I loved being in the walker as a baby and never had an accident in it. Does anyone have any thoughts on this?

Mother's Day

This year was my "first" mother's day.  Though I was a foster mom last year, it feels different this year having had a baby of my own.  I understand the bond that exists between a mother and her baby and know I would go to great lengths to protect, love, and nurture my little one.
As I think about my mom this mother's day, I cannot begin to express how much love and devotion I feel for her.  She is an amazing example to me of devotion, sacrifice, hard work, steadfastness, happiness, and love.  She taught me so much throughout my life and made sure that I had opportunities to develop talents and succeed.  She didn't have much in the way of possessions growing up and didn't get to experience the opportunities that so many people take for granted, but she made sure her children had an opportunity to be exposed to a variety of experiences.  Mom made sure to get us into music lessons, especially piano, and encouraged us to practice and share it with others.  My brother, sister, and I all play the piano and we each play a separate instrument.  Eric and Cyndi both play wood wind instruments so when it came my turn to choose and instrument, my mom asked me if I wanted to play the flute or the clarinet like my siblings.  I remember clearly telling my mom that I wanted to play the violin while we were at a Granite Youth Symphony concert for my brother.  A few weeks later mom and dad told me they were going to take me to look at violins but it wasn't likely that I would get one that day.  About an hour later, we walked out of Summerhaye's music with my first violin in tow.
My mom also made it a point to make sure we went on some sort of vacation each year.  Most times it wasn't anything fancy, just camping in our trailer at Bear Lake or a camp ground up one of the local canyons.  Some of my most favorite memories resulted from family vacations.
Mom has also been the foundation in my life.  Any time trouble or sadness arose in my life, mom was there to hug me and offer words of wisdom.  She has never let me down because she always seems to have the right answers.  I hope I can be the kind of mom my mom is to my little boy.  I hope he will look to me for wisdom, comfort, and love.  I hope his life will be as enjoyable as mine has been, all thanks to a loving mother.

This year I decided to write my mom a poem.

A Little Girl’s Dream

A little girl’s dream is to be a mother one day,

She puts on mom’s shoes, her dresses, and makeup in play.

She imitates mommy as she cradles her doll,

Singing a lullaby, “the cradle will fall.”

Her doll she will chastise when she has been naughty,

But praises her quickly for using the potty.

She reads her a story, her most favorite one,

And tells her she loves her more than anyone.

My mother is loving, faithful and strong,

Charitable, spiritual, with a heart full with song.

She showed me what it was like to be a great mother,

An example of love shown by no other.

She is my strength, my beacon of light,

I still seek for her wisdom, her compassion, and might.

Now I am a mom with a baby of my own,

A good example I want to be, like the mother I’ve known.

I will love him, protect him, and teach him what’s right.

I’ll kiss him, and cuddle, and rock him at night.

I’ll teach him patience, kindness, and love,

To kneel down at night and pray to Father above.

To be like my mom was my little girl dream.

I learned from her, copied her, no better mother I will ever deem.

I want you to know how much I love you.

I appreciate all that you were and are willing to do.

You mean so much to me and my little clan,

 And will follow your legacy the best that I can.

Happy Mother’s Day Mom!

 

Ashton made me some beautiful artwork.  I received an imprint of his little hands and an adorable picture of him (Thanks Cyndi for helping Ashton.)  He also got me a card which made me tear up.

This picture was used to make both grandmas a work of art.  Ashton imprinted his feet into clay and gave them a picture.  The funny thing was my sister got the same kit I did to make me the hand impressions.  My niece Sydney knew all about it and was great at keeping it a secret.

Ashton is so lucky to have a wonderful grandma (my mom) who wants to babysit.  She and grandpa watch him 4 days a week while his mommy and daddy are at work.  We love grandma a lot!

For Mother's day, Alan gave me a beautiful card and a cake decorating kit that I really wanted.  He knows how much fun I've been having with cake decorating and wanted to get me something I'd enjoy.  He is a wonderful husband and father and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

Putting the cake together

Last night was my last class for my Wilton 2 cake decorating class.  I learned how to do the basket weave technique and how to do a rope border and got to use the flowers I made on the cake.  The bird and the birdhouse were made a few weeks ago and were very fragile.  Both of the birds I made broke on the way to class so I was only able to use half a bird in the middle of the flowers on top of the cake.  All in all I am very happy with this cake, the only thing I would do differently is fewer leaves just below the flowers around the house.  My next class will be dealing with fondant and I am so excited about it.
For Mother's day, Alan bought me a 101 piece cake decorating kit.  I know it isn't mother's day yet, but he couldn't wait to get it and give it to me.  I am absolutely thrilled and can't wait to use it.  Cake decorating has been a blast and I can't wait to post more pictures.

My baby boy is getting big

Today Ashton reached an important milestone:  he rolled over from tummy to back!  I thought he had officially done it before (like a month ago) but it was from back to tummy on my bed.  He hadn't done it again since.  Ashton does not really like to lay on his tummy.  I have tried and tried with him but he proceeds to scream and cry.  I let him cry for a little while, but he doesn't stop until he is picked up or turned over on to his back.  Alan and I bought Ashton a special mat for tummy time.  This morning I laid him on it, he didn't like being on his tummy, so he rolled over on to his back.  I cheered so loud for him and told him he was such a big boy!  He beamed from ear to ear and giggled.  Ashton is trying new things like new toys, seeing new things, and trying new food.  Yesterday I fed Ashton some green beans.  You should have seen the faces he made.  I fed him green beans before and he LOVED them, but not yesterday.  Then I decided to mash up a banana and feed him that.  He really seemed to like eating a fresh banana.  I have also fed him sweet potatoes, peas, squash, peaches, and apple sauce.  He likes most of them depending on the brand.   I love my little guy.  He is a mellow, happy baby who loves to play and interact with others.  He is truly the sunshine in my life!